You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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