Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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