i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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