i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My ass is underappreciated
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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