You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
