i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
