He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
