I just threw up on my dentist
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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