look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
