Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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