Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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