2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
