he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we're making bets on your personal life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
