Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
