When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
