its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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