Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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