Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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