You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
