that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
