We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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