I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
