yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
