Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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