Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found puke in my bra..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
