I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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