Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He felt like a one man threesome
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
