Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
