I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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