Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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