Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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