I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
