And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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