4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
