Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
