i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
