You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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