I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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