just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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