He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
