I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
