i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
