Your dad touched me again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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