That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
