When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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