im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
