so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
