just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
