I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
