i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
