She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Are we still banned from the library?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
True strength comes from lack of pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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