Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
