spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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