I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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