Don't you send me to vm
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
