i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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