Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
