but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
