just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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