I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
