Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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