THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
