I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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