genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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